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49 pages 1 hour read

Gloria Chao

American Panda

Fiction | Novel | YA | Published in 2018

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Themes

The Challenges of Navigating Cultural Identity and Assimilation

Content Warning: This section discusses anti-Asian racism and cultural stereotypes, familial pressure and conflict, and identity struggles, including references to body shaming.

Because Mei is a second-generation Taiwanese American, she faces the challenge of reconciling both parts of her cultural identity. Her Taiwanese side is fraught with norms and traditions that seem outdated and restrictive to her when juxtaposed with the American culture she has grown up in. Mei’s childhood is filled with memories of being an outcast who looked and spoke differently than her peers. She was often bullied for the way she dressed, what she ate, the rituals her family practiced, and her lack of knowledge of American pop culture: “I was six years old again, wearing traditional Chinese garb […] trying to hold my shaky chin in the air as I was laughed out of the school picture line. Forever the outcast, even at this school of nerdy outcasts” (23). She sometimes resents her parents for forcing their traditions on her, making her even more of an outcast.

Furthermore, Mei knows that the geopolitical tensions between Taiwan and China are often carried over into America by immigrants and their descendants. However, she only confronts these tensions directly at MIT because college exposes her to a set of new, and often uncomfortable, experiences. Mei’s first roommate, Leslie, believes that Mei cannot culturally claim Taiwan or China since her grandparents weren’t native to Taiwan. Whereas Mei was initially relieved to have met someone with a similar background, she quickly learns that old prejudices trickle down into modern-day hatred. This confrontation with Leslie makes Mei feel even more wary of her cultural identity because it splits her Taiwanese identity even further when she is already grappling with feeling like an outsider in white American culture.

Like many children of immigrants, Mei struggles with feeling grateful to her parents for seeking a better life for themselves and feeling held back by their culture. She often bounces between being proud of her Taiwanese heritage and wanting to feel truly American like her peers. Unlike Darren, who considers himself just American despite his Japanese ancestors, Mei has close ties to both parts of her cultural identity. She even enjoys combining aspects of both, such as participating in traditional Chinese dances mixed with her own personal flair.

Mei’s opportunity for growth comes from learning to embrace her blended identity all while in a new environment at MIT being controlled by her parents. Overall, she gradually accepts that her identity is complicated and always evolving. It’s made up of her overbearing parents and their cultural norms but also of the new traditions she’s making at MIT with Darren and Nicolette. As she tries to explain to her parents, Mei believes that she should be able to let go of the cultural traditions that threaten her mental health, hold onto the ones that empower her, and make new ones along the way. Like Xing, she wants to forge her own path. Although Mei doesn’t have the support of her father, Mama Lu does eventually change her mind, proving that it is never too late to explore one’s own cultural identity and what it means, even in a new environment.

Balancing Happiness With Family Dynamics and Parental Expectations

The generational clash between parents and their children is a hallmark of coming-of-age stories. However, Mei’s situation is more complex because her parents strictly abide by Chinese cultural traditions that are difficult for her to live up to while honoring her own desires and preferences and finding happiness.

Chao explores a number of traditions surrounding relationships and gender roles that Mei finds stifling as she considers romantic partners. According to Mei’s family, a woman’s family pays her future husband’s family a dowry as an exchange for the “burden” of the woman joining the man’s family. Marriages are often arranged for financial and cultural success, and having children is prioritized. Filial piety is also highly valued, and one must never disrespect the matriarch of the family. Gender roles are also strict: Wives must remain subservient to husbands, and the first-born son is considered essential for maintaining the family legacy. As seen through Mei’s and Xing’s experiences, disobedient children are disowned and shunned for breaking these rules. According to Nainai, because Esther experiences infertility, her sister should have taken her place to bear Xing a son. However, Mei learns that these strict expectations are not universal, even among other families with similar backgrounds. Her friend Helen’s parents aren’t as traditional, nor are Esther’s parents or other parents in the community whom Mama Lu claims have “Ying-Nas” in their families. Mei realizes that her parents are so strict because they choose to hold onto these traditional values; it’s how they were raised and how they keep their home close. Therefore, they expect Mei to adhere to these values as well.

Mei is overwhelmed with anxiety about fulfilling her parents’ expectations. For example, while listening to old Chinese music, instead of hearing the real lyrics, she imagines the song taunting her: “You’re a coward; You can’t be anything you want, only what others want” (83). Her parents expect her to be slim and deferential to attract a husband, as well as a successful doctor and subservient wife to bring honor to her family. When she accepts that she can’t be what her parents want, she lies and feels guilty for doing so. Her family dynamics, while complicated, are all she has ever known. Mei grapples with fear and guilt for much of the novel because she doesn’t want to disappoint her parents but also because she doesn’t want to lose them. Unlike other coming-of-age novels where the young protagonist’s independence is often met with an empty threat of disownment, Mei’s fear of disownment is real because she has seen it happen to her brother. Nevertheless, in the end, this also makes her assertion of her own desires more real.

Mei’s character development, then, comes with the willing sacrifice of her relationship with her parents and who they want her to be. She lets go of their expectations for her and creates a new path toward a fulfilling life through dance, Darren, and Xing. She focuses on her own happiness and forms a new family that accepts her as she is.

Coping With Guilt and Anxiety Through Self-Acceptance

Throughout the narrative, Mei experiences anxiety not only regarding her relationship with her parents and their stifling ideals but also about germs. Mei’s fear of germs is a significant part of her identity and becomes a focal point of her decision not to become a doctor, as she is simply too uncomfortable. She carries a small bottle of hand sanitizer with her everywhere she goes, which makes her feel safer.

Although she doesn’t know why she developed this fear, she suspects that she was influenced by her mother’s complaints about dirty silverware in Chinatown restaurants as a child; Mama Lu always brought her own utensils for them. Thus, Mei believes that Mama Lu’s own behavior is part of why she fears germs. Rather than supporting Mei, her parents refuse to discuss the subject, preferring to bury any mention of traits that will prevent Mei from finding a good husband and being a doctor. During her confrontation with her parents, she claims that she hoped that studying biology intently would create excitement about becoming a doctor, but it actually does the “opposite.” She reminds them about her “trouble with germs” (188), but they cut her off predictably. Even Xing has trouble understanding how she feels, although he at least listens to Mei’s concerns. Because he loves being a doctor, he can’t imagine why Mei would be uncomfortable with the human body.

Mei’s experiences at MIT show her definitively that she could never be a doctor: She cannot bear to be around sick patients, bodily fluids, or cadavers. She constantly worries about exposure to Nicolette’s chlamydia around their dorm and even disinfects her dancing socks. Mei tries several times to live up to her parents’ expectations for her—such as shadowing Dr. Chang, who also has a fear of germs—but only feels guilt when her anxiety hinders her obedience.

Coupled with her fear is the anxiety and shame she feels for being so afraid. When Darren admits that he’s noticed Mei’s obsession with hand sanitizer, he reassures her that she shouldn’t be embarrassed, but Mei has trouble believing him: “‘That’s because you haven’t fully seen in here,’ I joked, tapping on my temple. I was so used to hiding this part of me that it was instinct to deflect” (160). Mei uses humor to cope with her anxiety, even as she longs to be accepted as she is. Ultimately, by making friends who accept even the unusual parts of her mind, she eventually comes to accept herself. She realizes that she doesn’t have to please her parents at the cost of her mental health and her own desires. Therefore, Mei’s anxiety and mental health issues serve as important representation for adolescents who cope with similar fears. Seeing Mei embrace herself and feel empowered in the end may help others who grapple with anxiety, shame, or feeling like outcasts.

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