Lost in the Sun

“As soon as he said that, I got that fire in my body, the one that started like a ball in my chest, dense and heavy, then radiated down to my stomach, my legs, my toes, and out to my neck, my face, my ears. Even all the way to my fingernails. Hot, prickly, fire skin, all over.”

This quote introduces fire as a symbol of Trent’s rage. Each time that Trent feels anger, it comes on fast and burns hot throughout his body. Graff uses tactile imagery to recreate the physical feelings of this rage, and Trent listing his different body parts emphasizes the way that it consumes all of him.

“Miss Eveline said I shouldn’t say that, that I killed Jared, because it was an accident, what happened, and that wasn’t the same thing at all. But accident or not, Jared Richards died, and I was the reason, so what was the difference? Either way, I killed him.”

Trent explains his perspective on Jared’s death, believing that it doesn’t matter whether he meant to do harm or not because Jared is dead regardless. This quote shows how Trent carries the guilt over what happened and develops the theme of Guilt and Self-Forgiveness.

“But drawing those kinds of thoughts on paper turned out to be better than keeping them in my brain, because when I kept them in my brain, they sort of jabbed at me like pointy sharp knives, and when I put them on paper, at least they stayed there. Left me alone afterward.”

Trent describes the utility of his Book of Thoughts as a means of escaping the dark thoughts that plague him. By using a simile to compare these thoughts to knives, Trent explains how harmful and disruptive they are, emphasizing the book’s utility.

“And then, I don’t know why, my arms got clammy. Sweaty, even though it wasn’t that hot in the gym. I could see tiny droplets of water beading up on my skin. And as soon as I saw that, for no reason at all, it got hard to swallow. Hard to breathe.”

When Trent plays basketball in PE for the first time, he has a strong, involuntary reaction to holding the ball. Once again, Graff uses tactile imagery to recreate Trent’s trauma response on the page. The staggered sentence lengths, extra clauses, and use of sentence fragments mimic the feeling of catching one’s breath.

“She seemed, if I really thought hard about it, like she wanted to be my friend. But here’s the thing I couldn’t figure out: Why me? Out of all the kids at Cedar Haven Middle, why me? I wasn’t particularly funny, or nice, even, and I was good at sports, but Fallon didn’t seem to care so much about that.”

Trent examines why Fallon seems to want to befriend him. This quote gives perspective into Trent’s view of himself as an unkind person who does not expect or deserve friendship because he’s confused as to why Fallon would seek friendship with someone like him. This confusion is emphasized through repetition, as he asks “why me?” multiple times.

“I spent the whole period doodling Jared in a buffalo stampede in my Book of Thoughts. If Jared really had been smushed in a buffalo stampede, I thought, instead of hit with a hockey puck, probably everybody would like the kid they met today.”

Trent muses over how Jared’s death changed him and fantasizes about a reality where he’s not guilty. The absurd scenario that Trent concocts adds humor to a bleak situation, hinting at Trent’s personality beneath his grief and trauma responses. In his reflections on no one liking him, the quote relates to the theme of Guilt and Self-Forgiveness.

“I know it didn’t actually work that way, but I couldn’t help thinking that if Aaron saved somebody’s life, maybe it would even things out with me and Jared.”

Trent’s logic in this quote shows his desire to alleviate himself of some guilt over Jared’s death. Although he’s aware that it doesn’t make things better, he feels that his brother saving a life would balance him taking one. Trent’s guilt and desire to alleviate it develop the main theme of Guilt and Self Forgiveness.

“You know what Dad said to me, after Jared? He said, ‘Well, it happened, I guess. And there’s nothing you can do about it now. No use thinking about it.’ I didn’t listen to anything Dad had to say anymore.”

This quote explains why Trent feels negatively toward his dad. Trent feels that his dad was unsupportive and dismissive, and his poor advice has damaged Trent’s ability to confide in him.

“I guess I was the only one who wished Annie Richards would leave. The way she looked at me—like she knew, and she hated me for it—I didn’t like that. Not at all. Because I couldn’t blame her, for looking at me like that. That’s the way I’d look at me, too, if I were her.”

Trent describes how he feels when he’s around Annie Richards, whose presence stirs up his guilt. Trent understands that Annie hates him and doesn’t blame her because he knows that his actions, intentional or not, have hurt her. This quote relates to the theme of Guilt and Self-Forgiveness.

“‘Have you ever heard the phrase shooting yourself in the foot?’ she asked. I didn’t blink or nod or anything. I didn’t like where this was going. ‘Sometimes lately,’ Mom said slowly, ‘sometimes it feels like you’re being nasty to people on purpose. Mean. Just to give them a reason to hate you.’”

During a conversation about Trent’s explosive outburst over the spicy soup, his mom uses an idiom to convey that Trent is intentionally pushing people away with his behavior. This conversation gives insight into who Trent was before the accident, as his mom believes that he’s not truly the person he’s been acting like lately.

“Whether it was on purpose or not, I did something bad. Somebody died. And if I just…stop thinking about it, if I don’t even feel bad, then what? If you do something bad, you’re supposed to feel bad.”

Trent explains why it’s so difficult for him to stop thinking about Jared’s death and move on from his guilt. He feels that if he lets it go, he’s wrong for no longer feeling bad. Trent sees his guilt as a punishment that he must serve for doing something wrong, emphasized through the use of italics in his thoughts. This quote develops the theme of Guilt and Self-Forgiveness.

“I was glad Dad and Kari had a baby to be excited about. Really, I was. Having a baby was probably the best thing ever. Babies couldn’t disappoint you.”

Trent’s emotions about his new baby sister show how he’s already comparing himself to her and placing himself in a negative light. While babies often represent new beginnings, Trent’s feelings about Jewel show that he is stuck in a toxic thought pattern, unable to move on.

“I kept thinking about Fallon’s dad, in the kitchen reading his tablet. I wondered if the reason he always had his eyes on us was that he thought I was a screw-up. I wondered when the wrinkled old crone was going to call my mom and tell her what a screw-up I was. I wondered if she was calling her right then.”

Trent is spiraling and struggling to focus on the movie with Fallon because he’s filled with self-loathing and anxiety about what others think of him. His anxiety is represented by repetition here, reflecting his obsessive thoughts. Trent believes that people see him as a “screw-up” no matter what he does, which develops the theme of Guilt and Self-Forgiveness.

“And when I looked at his face, it was like I could see into his brain, hear the thoughts that he was thinking. You killed one kid already, that’s what he was thinking. I’m not going to let you do it again.”

After Trent beats up Jeremiah, he is confronted by Jeremiah’s dad, who threatens him. Trent is certain that Jeremiah’s dad is thinking about how Trent killed Jared while confronting him. He is sure that others treat him a certain way because of the accident more so than because of his actions in the present.

“‘In the dreams. I always open my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out.’ She looked up at me then, and I swear, she looked afraid. Like really, truly scared. I’d never seen her look like that before. She always looked so confident, like nothing could ever touch her.”

Fallon tells Trent about her recurring nightmares where she’s being chased and cannot scream. His description of the fear on her face hints at the traumatic root of these dreams and the real fear and helplessness Fallon feels. Fallon’s fear that she cannot scream is a significant detail that Trent uses later to make amends.

“I watered Ms. Emerson’s stupid plants. I don’t know why. Who cared if the wrinkled old crone liked me or not? But I guess I didn’t really have anything better to do. So anyway, I watered them.”

This quote introduces the symbolism of watering plants as a means of making amends. This is the beginning of Trent’s daily after-school visit to Ms. Emerson’s room to water her plants, despite his initial negative attitude about it. He has called other adults “old crones” before, showing that even as he has poor self-esteem, he judges others based on his anxieties and anger. As he gets to know these characters, his conception of them changes.

“When I ran out of smooth round rocks to skip, I spied my Book of Thoughts sitting on that log by the water. And I don’t know why, but I picked it up, and I threw it, as hard as I could.”

Trent disposes of his Book of Thoughts in the lake where Jared Richards died. The Book of Thoughts is a symbol of Trent’s desire to unburden his brain from his guilty and anxious thoughts. By throwing it into the lake, Trent signifies his desire to put it all behind him and stop thinking about it as frequently.

“The plants will be thirsty again tomorrow.”

This quote is repeated by Ms. Emerson every day as Trent leaves her classroom, like a mantra. It emphasizes the symbolism of watering plants as making amends and reinforces the idea that making amends takes daily effort. This quote also has another meaning: Ms. Emerson welcomes Trent to her classroom every afternoon because she understands that he may not want to go home. While Trent has felt alienated throughout the book, this is a moment of true connection, which changes his perspective.

“You don’t see it because you’re always so busy thinking about your own stuff, but Mom worries all the time. She worries about you. And it’s my job to take care of her, and I’m not going to give her one more thing to worry about.”

Aaron lectures Trent about making their mom worry more than she already does. This talk takes place after Aaron reveals that he’s secretly struggling in trigonometry and doesn’t want their mom to worry. This quote relates to the theme of The Invisible Struggles of Others.

“I couldn’t believe that all this time, while I’d been feeling so guilty about Jared and that hockey puck, he’d been feeling the exact same way. ‘You couldn’t have known,’ I told him. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong.’”

For the first time, Trent realizes that he isn’t the only one carrying feelings of guilt over what happened to Jared. Trent consoles Doug with advice he has received throughout the book, hoping to alleviate some of his brother’s guilt. This relates to the themes of The Invisible Struggles of Others and Guilt and Self-Forgiveness.

“‘When you do choose to speak,’ she told me, ‘speak truths.’”

This quote from Ms. Emerson is key in Trent’s journey of changing his perspective and making amends with others. Trent applies this advice when he speaks to Fallon’s dad, Jeremiah, and his own father.

“There was fire again. But instead of letting it radiate out to my arms, my legs, my everything, I clenched my fists tight and did my best to stop it. ‘I’m sorry about Halloween,’ I told him. Speaking truths.”

Trent apologizes to Jeremiah and applies the advice he’s received from Ms. Emerson to speak only in truths, making “speak truths” into another motif. This quote revisits fire as a symbol of Trent’s rage, but now, he can control it and do what he knows is right. This shows how much he has grown since the beginning of the novel.

“I joined in, as loud and as long and as wonderful as I could scream, too. We screamed, the two of us together, alone on that island. Because we could. Because no one could hear us. Because it was perfect, to be alone on an island, with your best friend, screaming at the top of your lungs.”

In this climactic quote, Trent and Fallon scream alone on the island in the lake. This significant moment proves to Fallon that she is capable of screaming and using her voice if she’s in trouble. It also shows that Trent is a valuable friend who cares about her hopes and fears. This relates to the theme of The Healing Nature of Friendship.