Pax, Journey Home

“That’s right. But also so that you would know your home. In your hands, in your back and heart. You are in this cabin and this cabin is in you.”

Unlike foxes, who move from home to home, humans build homes and lives around them. In this case, Vola praises Peter for his craftsmanship on the cabin, encouraging him to take pride in building the place where he will hopefully spend the next several years of his life. The repetition of “in your hands, in your back […] in this cabin […] in you” emphasizes the power of the concept of home and how Vola understands how deeply Peter needs one.

“Secretly, Peter had named her Echo. Not just because she copied everything her brother said or did, and not just because she was a smaller version of him […] but because she was also fainter. As if she weren’t quite there. As if this whole life thing was a toss-up for her, except for how much she adored Ben.”

The relationship that Ben’s younger sister, Astrid, has with him foreshadows a parallel relationship between Pax and his daughter. Astrid looks up to Ben and follows him around the same way that the little vixen does with Pax, and both Ben and Pax fear losing their family members. However, this fear does not prevent them from loving but instead makes them want to be a better brother or father to the young ones.

“One more thing. It won’t be like it is here, where you can count on having what you need. Fill your cup whenever you can.”

While Vola originally says this to Peter about literally filling up his cup with fresh, unpoisoned water, her words resonate with Peter in a different way during his trek with the Water Warriors. Soon, he discovers that spending time with loved ones (pets, family members, friends) fills his emotional cup. Although Peter thinks living life alone is a solution, he discovers that living life with others is more fulfilling.

“Now think of it: I throw this pitcher against the wall. That is a lot of power I show. But anyone can break something. The power I respect is in the making. […] And maybe most of all, I respect anyone who chooses to rebuild something.”

Peter is almost 14 years old and in search of what it looks like to be “a man.” His grandfather and late father have certain ideas about masculinity that involve repressing feelings, brute force, and militant discipline. Vola tries to explain a different kind of power to Peter. She urges Peter, and his grandfather, to find the strength and courage it takes to rebuild a life and community in the wake of grief instead of destroying them.

“Peter could relate to that. When he’d found Pax so near death, he’d felt an overwhelming desire to do something, anything, to save the kit.”

One of the things Peter and Jade bond over is their love for animals. Even though Peter is doing his best to forget Pax, he can’t help but remember rescuing him as a kit when Jade mentions wanting to help the baby raccoons who had been poisoned. Jade’s kindness and connection with animals opens the door for Peter to reconnect with the natural world as well.

“He crossed the distance between him and the couple who loved each other. […] For another moment he shook inside that space where they held him. And then he didn’t shake.”

Peter has not been hugged since his father died, but he finally lets his guard down after telling Jade and Samuel that he was recently orphaned and lost his pet. Before the hug, he was shaking from the pent-up grief that he needed to release, but the hug helps the shaking stop. This moment demonstrates The Importance of Community in the Healing Process.

“Peter, gone from him over a year. Peter, whom he had loved for most of his life and then learned to live without, was near.”

Although Pax has moved on and formed a family in the wild, he still misses Peter. When he’s nearby, Pax must wait until it makes sense and feels safe for his family to see him; they must take priority now that Pax is a father. At this point in the book, Pax respects Bristle’s fear of humans and denies his own wish to track down Peter, but he does not deny his feelings of loss.

“I do love rivers. But I really love this one. Oh, I know it isn’t much in size, as rivers go. Only a dozen feet wide in some places. […] What it lacks in size, though, it makes up for in determination.”

The author uses Jade’s love for the river to parallel her love for the underdog of the group: Peter. Like this river, Peter is small, and his strength is underestimated at times, but he makes up for it with determination. It is a reminder to not assume experience, bravery, or skills by the size or age of someone but instead to let their actions speak for themselves.

“Vola called me lucky when she first heard that I raised a fox. She said not many people get to have that kind of a bond with a wild animal.”

Peter is determined to never own a pet again, but his way with animals is undeniable. He is reminded of this special strength of his when he finally decides to open up to Jade and Samuel about his relationship with Pax. This references the Buddhist concept of nonduality, which Vola taught him about in the first Pax book.

“Slow-moving humans could become fast-moving at any time. Peaceful humans could become aggressive without notice.”

The above quote serves as a reminder of the trauma the foxes faced during the war last year. Although Pax trusts Peter, he is wary of the larger group of humans who wear the same clothing as the war-sick humans from before. This tension of whether humans can be trusted is a prime source of conflict within the fox family.

“Out here, everything he did seemed simple and clear. Out here, he worked so hard he was too tired to think about the things that hurt inside when he crawled into his bed.”

Peter finds solace on the trail with the Water Warriors. He loves nature and uses the outdoors as an escape from his grief. Just as he did at the cabin, physical labor helps turn Peter’s brain off and ward off any bad memories that might remind him of all he’s lost. Peter has found another way to avoid the pain of grieving, but he is just postponing it.

“Besides, […] Someone will get in. A little sliver of caring. The tiniest crack in your shell is all it takes.”

Jade expresses genuine concern for Peter, who is determined to never let anyone into his life again, illustrating The Role of Care and Kindness in Recovery. However, she has seen this before, with Samuel. Just as she was able to slip into the grieving Samuel’s life, even after he’d sworn off other people, Sliver the fox slips into Peter’s life by the end of the book. Jade knows the power of love is stronger than the power of fear, and she’s seen glimpses of Peter’s capacity for love on their journey.

“[T]his was the place he’d driven away from Pax. He knew it. Or maybe this place knew him. Maybe places had memories.”

Throughout the book, both Peter and Pax have visceral reactions to places that mark important parts of their story last summer. Whether it’s Pax stopping at the spot where Runt lost his leg or Peter stopping at the spot where he abandoned Pax, part of the grieving process for them both is allowing themselves to feel the pain associated with these locations. Until they do, and until they reframe what is associated with each place, these locations will have power over them.

“The guard looked completely different gazing down at that worn photo. He looked like what he was—a kid, worrying about his dog.”

When Peter remembers talking to a guard about his lost dog, he is reminded of the universal experience of loving a pet. The guard had seemed scary, but as soon as he showed Peter the dog photo, Peter recognized the guard’s humanity and their shared experience of having, and loving, a pet. With this memory, Peter is reminded not to judge by appearances and not to discount others’ experiences.

“His room had always been a refuge. He pushed open the door, and was immediately hit with the looming presence of all that he’d lost since the last time he’d been inside.”

Peter spends most of his time with the Water Warriors envisioning himself at his old house, starting over alone, and not being affected by his memories at all. However, once he gets there, he discovers that his old home is a time capsule for a different version of his life, one in which his father is still alive. He is constantly reminded of the loss of his father, his mother, and his fox.

“She was surprised at the permanence he described, also. How the human homes did not change, as fox homes changed with the seasons and with their travels. How humans slept in these homes under fair skies or storms.”

While Peter is with the Water Warriors, he moves frequently and quickly. Whenever he reaches a spot that reminds him of his grief, he is especially eager to move on faster. This, as Pax teaches his daughter, is not how humans normally are with their homes. The homes that Pax describes to the little vixen more closely resemble the cabin that Peter builds, which he will move back to by the end of the book. Pax’s explanation of a permanent home foreshadows his daughter’s eventual home with Peter at the end of the novel.

“Yes, after loving you are afraid, Pax confirmed. Like foxes.”

In the book, each of the characters reckons with the close link between love and fear. Even the secondary characters such as Samuel and Ben are faced with the prospect of losing loved ones. This parallels Pax’s immediate change when his kits are born. He and Bristle are no longer the priority; instead, all decisions the foxes make are to support their young, and Pax struggles not to become fearful. Just as Ben chooses to stay behind with Astrid during her surgery, Pax frequently chooses to stay with his daughter instead of finding Peter.

“The forgiveness had been a physical relief. He felt as though he’d been collecting rocks all year, carrying more and more on his back, and then all at once they’d crumbled to dust.”

When Peter and Pax are finally reunited, Peter allows himself to accept Pax’s forgiveness. For a year, he has felt guilty for abandoning his pet. The cure for his guilt is not, in the end, avoiding anything that reminds him of Pax but instead seeing him again and knowing he’s okay. In Pax’s forgiveness, he also sees a model for how he can move forward.

“The chores inside the house were the hardest, because memories seemed to grab for his throat from every corner of every room he entered.”

The house that Peter has been dreaming of building his new life in turns out to be more of a nightmare, sending him into a vicious cycle of pain and grief. His old house may be suitable for living alone, but it’s not the kind of solitude he wanted. Instead of being alone with nature, he is now stuck in the house, alone with memories of everyone he has lost.

“Each night, he went to bed with a head full of problems and a belly full of hungry.”

The reality of living alone doesn’t hit Peter until he gets to his old house. Jade and Samuel leave him a few perishable food items, but it isn’t nearly enough to last a few days, much less a few weeks. He quickly learns that he is reliant on others for his most basic physical needs as well as his emotional ones, and he begins to understand the necessity of community in the healing process.

“And everything he’d been holding tight for a year let go. As the fire ate his old life, he began to wail.”

Peter toys with the idea of having a bonfire with mementos from his old life, just as his father did when his mother died. He is reminded of the story of the phoenix, rising into new life from the ashes. However, for that new life to happen, Peter must allow himself to release the pent-up grief he’s held onto for far too long.

“And suddenly he knew—maybe shooting her would have been the right thing for his father to do, but it wasn’t the right thing for him. It didn’t seem brave. It seemed cowardly, in fact.”

In his attempt to be “a man,” Peter decides that it’s braver to find a way to nurse Pax’s kit back to health than to end her life. As he sits next to his father’s ashes, freshly spread on his mother’s grave, he comes to a conclusion about both of them. First, his father is dead and cannot judge his actions. Second, he realizes that his mother would have wanted him to choose kindness and authenticity and that she would’ve approved of his decision.

“On the last day, his father had said he would change. Sitting on Peter’s thigh was proof that he had.”

When Peter finally reads the letter his grandfather sent with him, he discovers that his father kept his promise to be a better person. The last day Peter saw him, he told his son that he would change, and his sacrifice for Private Thomas proves that he did start to change. Peter now knows that his father died a hero trying to help a friend and fellow father, and he can finally let go of his anger and pain over his father’s death.