The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

Bungay Stanier distinguishes between being truly helpful and satisfying an urge to save someone. He cites work on the paradox of being helpful conducted by psychologist Edgar Schein, which suggests that people act “helpful” to elevate their own status. This leads to a discussion of the “Drama Triangle,” a term Bungay Stanier uses to describe three archetypes in relationships: Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. The Victim exhibits a “poor me” outlook, the Persecutor believes they are “surrounded by fools,” and the Rescuer seizes opportunities to “fix” problems. Bungay Stanier attributes these archetypes to a branch of psychotherapy known as Transactional Analysis, developed by Stephen Karpman, MD. He goes on to explain the hallmarks of these archetypes, from core beliefs to the benefits and price of playing each role. These archetypes do not define people; rather, they define behaviors sometimes employed or reverted to in stressful situations. Bungay Stanier illustrates how a person can cycle between these archetypes, presenting a mock conversation between himself and a staff member in which both people shift between roles. He maintains that while people can move between these types, they tend to have a default role. The Drama Triangle is a fact of human nature, and the sooner one recognizes when they fall into one of these modes, the sooner they can condition themselves to avoid falling into this mode. As for managers, they are often the Rescuer archetype, who feel the urge to save their employees.

In order to avoid falling into the Rescuer archetype, one should ask “How can I help?” The question forces the recipient to articulate their request, and it prevents the questioner from overstepping. Bungay Stanier mentions variations of “How can I help?” like “What do you want from me?” and stresses tone as critical, as one should not make the recipient feel defensive. Asking variations can be sequential, guiding a person toward answering their own question, thereby stifling the need to become their rescuer.

In the workbook section, Bungay Stanier asks the reader to imagine scenarios where they are likely to jump in and rescue someone. For example, people often play the rescuer due to a sense of urgency. However, Bungay Stanier recommends asking “How can I help?” as a means of breaking this habit. The “From the Box of Crayons Lab” section shows how this question is used in a medical setting. When doctors use general questions and resist jumping in, their patients generally provide more detailed information regarding their ailments.