The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

“What people think of as the moment of discovery is really the discovery of the question.”

This quote is attributed to Jonas Salk, a scientist widely credited with the discovery and development of the first polio vaccine. It relates to the book because it draws attention to the process of using questions to probe problems.

“The change of behaviour at the heart of what this book is about is this: a little more asking people questions and a little less telling people what to do.”

Like Important Quote #1, this quote identifies Bungay Stanier’s main argument. It also recognizes that habitual ways of doing things can sometimes take on a life of their own, leading people to behave counterproductively.

“To build an effective new habit, you need five essential components: a reason, a trigger, a micro-habit, effective practice, and a plan.”

Bungay Stanier reminds readers that entrenched behavior is not necessarily effective, especially as it relates to leadership and communication. One should learn to question ineffective behavior and accept that change in such behavior takes time and commitment.

“So think less about what your habit can do for you, and more about how this new habit will help a person or people you care about.”

The book’s talk of leadership focuses on helping others. In this case, transforming ineffective habits should be contextualized as ultimately helping those one leads rather than oneself alone.

“[If] you don’t know what triggers the old behaviour, you’ll never change it because you’ll already be doing it before you know it.”

Self-reflection is a crucial aspect of effective leadership. One must be willing to evaluate oneself in order to discover what works and what does not. Once ineffective behavior is discovered, a leader should seek to remedy it rather than support the status quo.

“Resilient systems build in fail-safes so that when something breaks down, the next step to recover is obvious. Make your habit a resilient system.”

Here, Bungay Stanier indicates that his proposed system is a resilient system. This system optimizes consistency and long-term stability while also allowing for alterations as necessary.

“An almost fail-safe way to start a chat that quickly turns into a real conversation is the question, ‘What’s on your mind?’”

This question is the first in a series of seven questions that form the structure of the book. Bungay Stanier argues “What’s on your mind?” cuts straight to real issues, unlike small talk.

“Coaching for performance is about addressing and fixing a specific problem or challenge. It’s putting out the fire or building up the fire or banking the fire. It’s everyday stuff, and it’s important and necessary. Coaching for development is about turning the focus from the issue to the person dealing with the issue, the person who’s managing the fire.”

Here, Bungay Stanier distinguishes between two types of coaching: coaching for performance and coaching for development. While he concedes that coaching for performance is often inevitable, an effective leader will tailor their techniques to optimize long-term development.

“What you’re holding in your mind will unconsciously influence what you can notice and focus on.”

The question “What’s on your mind?” is effective as it allows for release of anxiety. As the quote indicates, even when this anxiety is not acute, it can still impact how people behave and cause stress in the workplace.

“The first answer someone gives you is almost never the only answer, and it’s rarely the best answer.”

According to Bungay Stanier, people are often reluctant to voice what is bothering them. He suggests that managers be patient with those whom they supervise and create an atmosphere where they feel comfortable taking their time to express what they need to express.

“Tell less and ask more. Your advice is not as good As you think it is.”

In the book, this quote is presented as a haiku (a 5-7-5-syllable poem, the verses marked by “Tell,” “Your,” and “As”). The quote presents the book’s general approach to leadership. Bungay Stanier takes a “less is more” approach to coaching and advocates for a more careful conversational style. An effective manager needs to listen as much as they offer warranted advice.

“Giving it feels more comfortable than the ambiguity of asking a question.”

This quote alludes to giving advice as default behavior because it feels more comfortable than asking questions. Bungay Stanier argues that simply because something feels comfortable doesn’t mean it makes for effective communication.

“Stop offering up advice with a question mark attached. That doesn’t count as asking a question.”

Bungay Stanier advises managers to avoid interjecting advice into conversations. Here, he singles out advice hidden behind a question, warning against it as the approach is dishonest and ineffective.

“Without a good question, a good answer has no place to go.”

This quote is attributed to academic Clayton Christensen, and encapsulates much of the ideas that drive Bungay Stanier’s book. It draws attention to the importance of asking the right questions to foster meaningful conversations.

“One of your roles as a manager and a leader is to have answers. We’re just trying to slow down the rush to this role as your default behaviour.”

In this quote, Bungay Stanier recognizes that those in leadership positions are expected to have answers. However, slowing the reveal of answers allows for developmental coaching more beneficial to both employee and manager.

“Stick to questions starting with ‘What’ and avoid questions starting with ‘Why.’”

Bungay Stanier distinguishes between “what” and “why” questions. In the workplace, “what” questions are more effective because they focus on specifics and sound less confrontational.

“The illusion that both parties to the conversation know what the other party wants is pervasive, and it sets the stage for plenty of frustrating exchanges.”

Here, Bungay Stanier warns against assumptions as they can be misleading. Instead, managers should allow organic conversations to reveal others’ perceptions and problems.

“If you’re not sure about a situation, you’ll default to reading it as unsafe. And start backing away.”

Bungay Stanier uses research to prove the brain recognizes uncertainty as a threat. For a meaningful, reciprocal conversation to take place, both parties must feel safe. Creating a safe space for open dialogue is a critical skill for managers to develop, one facilitated by the seven key questions.

“Having the courage to say No is one of the ways you stop being so ‘helpful.’”

The term “helpful” in this context is used ironically. While managers may wish to help their employees, saying “no” can be more helpful than saying “yes” by default—as this sets boundaries and gives more weight to “yes.”

“One of the most compelling things you can do after asking a question is to genuinely listen to the answer.”

Once a question is asked, a manager should listen actively and attentively to the answer. This is a crucial component to developing effective communication, where reciprocity is valued.

“A Yes is nothing without the No that gives it boundaries and form.”

Reinforcing Important Quote #20, here Bungay Stanier argues that effective leadership requires a “no” from time to time. A “yes” only has value if weighed against the possibility of “no”—pushing an employee to solve their problems on their own.

“The secret to saying No was to shift the focus and learn how to say Yes more slowly.”

Reinforcing Important Quotes #20 and #22, here Bungay Stanier recognizes that saying “no” is not easy for many managers and oftentimes, they will rush to say “yes” to avoid causing friction. This quote emphasizes thinking things through in order to arrive at an appropriate response.

“Way too often, most people forget almost everything pretty much the moment they walk out of the corporate classroom.”

Bungay Stanier argues that an audience often forgets lessons because they are rarely required to actively participate in discussions. He suggests that when asked questions, employees will reflect and then recall information. Recall in particular can help people retain information.