The Collected Regrets of Clover

“The most important thing is never to look away from someone’s pain. Not just the physical pain of their body shutting down, but the emotional pain of watching their life end while knowing they could have lived it better. Giving someone the chance to be seen at their most vulnerable is much more healing than any words. And it was my honor to do that […].”

Clover’s statement about never looking away from someone’s pain highlights the central theme of the novel: the importance of confronting regrets, accepting mortality, and acknowledging the emotional complexities surrounding death. Clover’s narrative voice is characterized by empathy and a profound understanding of human suffering, which she transmits to the readers.

“When I first started working as a death doula, I’d naively tried to get people to focus on all the positive things about their life—all the things they should be grateful for. But when someone has spent their years angry at the world, death just feels like one final cruel blow. Eventually, I realized that it wasn’t my job to help them gloss over that reality if they didn’t want to; it was to sit with them, listen, and bear witness. Even if they were unhappy right up until their final exhale, at least they weren’t alone.”

This quote reflects a significant shift in Clover’s approach to working as a death doula. It emphasizes the evolution of her understanding that her role is not to impose a particular perspective on her clients but to provide compassionate companionship and a non-judgmental presence during their end-of-life journey. The literary device of contrast highlights the difference between trying to make people focus on positive aspects of their lives and simply sitting with them, listening, and offering support. This idea emphasizes the importance of accepting regrets, especially when it is too late to act on them.

“Before our kindergarten teacher’s sudden death, the other kids hadn’t given me much thought, but my curious reaction—mostly the fact that I wasn’t freaked out by it—had alienated me. After one boy began to spread rumors that I ‘hung out’ with the dead, I was officially cast as a weirdo.”

The author uses foreshadowing to hint at Clover’s relationship with death. This passage also expresses the theme of societal norms and the way people are quick to label and isolate those who do not conform to those norms, reinforcing Clover’s sense of being an outsider.

“Reading people’s final words made me feel close to them, like they were somehow guiding me with their wisdom. And focusing on them rather than my own loneliness gave me a purpose […] Maybe by studying what people deemed to be most important when looking back on an entire life and finally connecting the dots, I could find some direction in my own.”

The quote emphasizes the idea of interconnectedness, as Clover finds solace and meaning in receiving people’s final words, feeling a sense of closeness and guidance from them. These final words become a source of wisdom and direction for Clover in her own life. This aspect also shows that Clover’s role as a death doula not only helps others, but also helps her find a purpose in life.

“‘The reason so many people die with regrets is because they live like they’re invincible. They don’t really think about their death until right before it happens.’ […D]eath is often random and cruel. It doesn’t care if you’ve been kind all your life. Or if you’ve eaten healthily, exercised often, and always worn a seat belt or a helmet.”

This quote underscores one of the novel’s main lessons for its protagonist and for readers: Death is an indifferent force that cannot be fully planned for. Thus, preparations for dying should not be left until the last moment. Nobody, the novel teaches, is superior in the face of death, no matter how ethical or planned their lives may have been.

“Looking up at my notebooks, I thought about the advice a soft-spoken gardener named Arthur had given me right before he died. ‘If you want something you don’t have,’ he’d said, ‘you have to do something you’ve never done.’”

The words of Clover’s client encourage Clover to step out of her comfort zone, and this advice serves as a catalyst for her own journey of self-discovery and transformation throughout the novel. It also reinforces the novel’s central theme of not letting regrets hold one back but instead taking action and embracing new experiences.

“Not everyone shared Rosita’s cheerfulness. Other residents sat sedately in their wheelchairs staring ahead stoically as if readying themselves for the indignity of being ignored, knowing they’d already been forgotten by the rest of society. But as I made sure to stop and say good morning to each of them, the stoicism melted and the sadness in their eyes ignited into hopefulness […] During my first couple of weeks, I’d felt overwhelmed with sadness […] But I gradually began to realize that pitying them wouldn’t take away their pain. The kindest thing I could do for them was to look them in the eye and simply acknowledge their presence as human beings. That’s when I’d promised myself I’d never turn away from someone’s pain, no matter how much I wanted to.”

This quote uses contrasting descriptions of the residents of the Cambodian residence home where Clover volunteered to highlight the impact of Clover’s actions. The residents who initially appear stoic and resigned symbolize society’s tendency to overlook or ignore those who are suffering. However, Clover’s simple act of greeting them with kindness transforms their demeanor, igniting hope and breaking their isolation. This highlights the transformative power of compassion and the importance of recognizing humanity in every individual, regardless of their circumstances or physical condition. The experience is transformative for Clover, whose empathy for others can transcend her many discomforts.

“‘The saddest part, my darling,’ Claudia said, […] ‘is that most of us are guilty of that with our loved ones. We get stuck in a routine and we look at them as we’ve always looked at them, without seeing them for the person they’ve become or the person they strive to be. What a terrible thing to do to someone you love.’”

This quote reflects on the ideas of habituation and passivity in relation to loved ones. Claudia’s words highlight a universal aspect of human relationships—the tendency to become complacent and take our loved ones for granted. This attitude may extend to the relationship people have with themselves and with the way they lead their entire lives.

“And there were Julia and Reuben, arms entwined as they chatted with their guests, their quiet adoration for each other burning as strong as ever. Swaddling myself in a blanket, I settled in for the evening, finding comfort in one of the only relationships I knew I could count on.”

Clover’s reliance on spying on her neighbors as a way of finding romantic connection symbolizes her yearning for stability and the solace that she derives from witnessing a love that endures. However, witnessing and being engaged in a relationship prove to be different pursuits, as Clover finds out through her transforming relationships with Sylvie, Sebastian, Claudia, and Hugo. Sylvie’s later confession regarding her relationship with the same neighbors sparks a sense of betrayal in Clover, who realizes that the reality of their relationship is more complex than what she can see through her window or the romantic comedies she watches compulsively.

“As I navigated the crypt of forgotten objects, I made a mental note to do an inventory of what was down here at a later date. Claudia might want certain things to go certain places rather than just be sold off at an estate sale or tossed out on the curb. It wasn’t officially part of my job, but I’d often watched as lifetimes of memories were unceremoniously discarded by bereaved family members eager to sell a home of the recently departed. The promise of a chunk of money often robbed people of their scruples.”

This quote touches upon the theme of legacy and the sentimental value of possessions. The quote serves as a commentary on societal values and how the lure of financial gain can lead people to overlook the significance of cherished belongings and their connection to the past. It also highlights Clover’s sentimental nature, as portrayed in the clutter of her grandfather’s possessions in her own apartment.

“‘Selfish as it sounds,’ Claudia said, ‘I mostly regret putting the needs of others ahead of my own. But as a woman, that’s what I was taught to do. Your husband, your children, your parents—their happiness all mattered more. You were always someone’s wife, or mother, or daughter before you were yourself. It’s like I didn’t live my life for myself, as myself. Like I wasted what I was given.’”

This quote delves into the theme of self-identity and societal expectations, particularly the role of women in the mid-20th century. Claudia’s reflection on her life portrays the tension between her personal desires and the traditional roles imposed upon women. Claudia’s story depicts the struggle faced by many women of her generation who grappled with the societal pressure to prioritize their roles as wives and mothers over their own aspirations and self-fulfillment.

“And even without the music, there’s often this kind of serenity that people get, right before they die. Something that you never see in the living—like they’re letting go of everything they’ve held on to so tightly and finally just letting themselves be. I wish everyone could learn to do that sooner.”

Serenity before death represents a common observation in end-of-life care—that individuals often find a sense of peace and acceptance as they come to terms with their mortality. The desire for people to learn this lesson earlier in life emphasizes the notion that coming to terms with mortality and embracing life fully is a valuable perspective that many only attain as they near death.

“Observing the world, rather than engaging with it, meant I didn’t have to invest emotionally. If I never got close to anyone, they couldn’t leave me. Or it wouldn’t hurt if they did. Better to be alone by choice—that was one thing I always had control over. But now I realized I wasn’t fooling anyone. The truth was, I wasn’t trying my best—I was only living a shell of the life I knew was possible. And I regretted it.”

The contrast between observing and engaging in the world is a recurring theme in the novel. Clover’s past approach to life is to observe—one that allows her to maintain emotional distance and avoid vulnerability. This emotional detachment was a self-protective mechanism that prevented her from experiencing the pain of loss, but it also left her feeling unfulfilled and isolated.

“Sebastian was right—I was a hypocrite. I spent my days looking death in the face and I still hadn’t found a way to manage my own grief. I’d been clinging on to Grandpa’s memory, and his possessions, even though he was long gone. And I dedicated more time to honoring the lessons and wisdom of other people’s lives than I did to living my own.”

The juxtaposition of Clover’s profession, in which she helps others navigate their grief and the end of life, with her own unresolved grief gives way to a paradox for Clover. However, the moment of realization is a catalyst to change. Clover embarks on a journey of self-discovery and learning to confront her own emotions and regrets, mirroring the overarching theme of The Transformative Power of Confronting Regrets in the narrative.

“It was always hard to acknowledge this moment, to look someone in the eye and affirm that their entire existence was coming to an end. But the conviction that I was giving them the chance to navigate their final moments with clarity and grace always helped me temper my own discomfort.”

Clover’s ability to provide others with the opportunity to navigate their final moments with clarity and grace reflects her deep compassion and the key element in her role as a death doula. The quote also demonstrates Clover’s emotional depth and empathy, as she finds solace in knowing that her work is providing comfort to those facing death, which adds complexity to her character and the themes of the novel.

“Claudia settled back on her pillow. ‘Learn from my mistakes, my darling.’ Each word was quieter, more staccato than the last. ‘Don’t let the best parts of life pass you by because you’re too scared of the unknown.’ One last wink. ‘Be cautiously reckless.’”

Claudia’s words repeat the advice that Clover receives from all those who care about her: to not let the fear of uncertainty prevent her from embracing life to its fullest. The advice carries more weight because it comes from a woman whom Clover greatly admires and who is also at the end of her life.

“Yes, she’d died with regrets, but she had still lived out loud, unafraid to take up space in the world, never losing her sense of adventure and playfulness. As I walked home, I began to realize that this was first time I’d encountered a woman whose approach to life I could aspire to.”

Clover’s admiration for Claudia and her aspiration to live life more like Claudia imply a character arc that sees Clover shedding her hesitations and regrets to embrace a fuller, more vibrant existence. It is a moment that encapsulates the book’s message of learning from the lives and regrets of others.

“I’d spent the last thirty-six years coming to grips with the idea that it was difficult to be anything other than what the world already thinks you are. But what about what you already think you are—was it possible for me to change what I believed about myself?”

Clover has spent years conforming to societal expectations and judgments, and now she is at a turning point in her life, wondering how to break free from these constraints. However, the second question gives way to introspection. It addresses the core of self-identity and the possibility of change from within.

“I’d taken it for granted that he’d still be there when I got back. Worst of all, I hadn’t cherished the small details that felt inconsequential then but that I missed so dearly now—the way he stirred his coffee, the sound of him rubbing his stubble, the deep rumble of his laugh. When someone has always been there for you, it’s easy to assume they always will be. And then, one day, they’re not.”

Using retrospection, Clover reflects on her past actions and emotions. The description of the small details about her grandfather, like the way he stirred his coffee or the sound of his laugh, invokes a sense of nostalgia and paints a vivid image of their relationship. The idea of impermanence and the sudden absence of loved ones serves as a reminder to appreciate and cherish people, as one never truly knows when they might be gone.

“He looked down at his coffee cup. ‘My mom died when I was in college—ovarian cancer,’ he said. ‘And I remember getting so angry about people trying to comfort me. They’d say things like ‘she’s in a better place now,’ or ‘at least you had the time you did together,’ or ‘she wouldn’t want you to be sad.’ And I just wanted to scream at them. It was like they wanted me to get over my grief so they didn’t have to deal with it.’ He ran his hand through his hair. ‘I think that’s why I ended up drinking so much alcohol back then—to numb myself because no one understood what I was experiencing.’”

Hugo’s confession brings out a sense of authenticity and vulnerability in his character—emotions highly valued by Clover. By revealing his own grief and anger at people’s clichéd attempts at comfort, Hugo also exhibits criticism regarding society’s approach to death. Hugo understands the Complexity of Grief and Loss and the need for genuine empathy and understanding when supporting someone who is grieving rather than moving on when not ready or numbing the pain in different ways. This helps Clover come to terms with her own grieving process.

“I thought back to a few days earlier when I’d written Claudia’s final words in my ADVICE notebook. Don’t let the best parts of life pass you by because you’re too scared of the unknown. Maybe the biggest risk in life was taking no risks at all. I summoned Claudia’s fearless confidence and dared myself to leap.”

The quote highlights the idea of embracing change and taking risks, as Clover’s internal struggle gives way to a newfound determination. This moment of introspection not only drives Clover’s actions but also underscores the narrative’s exploration of living life to the fullest and challenging oneself to venture beyond their comfort zone.

“‘I’ve watched you spend your life trying to help people have a beautiful death—the thing you couldn’t give your grandpa […] But the secret to a beautiful death is to live a beautiful life. Putting your heart out there. Letting it get broken. Taking chances. Making mistakes. […] Promise me, kid,’ he whispered, ‘that you’ll let yourself live.’ I rested my head on his shoulder. ‘I promise.’”

In his last moments before dying, Leo imparts a critical lesson that resonates deeply with Clover’s journey toward learning to embrace life. Leo’s words emphasize the importance of not just focusing on facilitating a beautiful death but, more significantly, living a beautiful life. This shift in perspective is important for Clover, who lives much of her life facilitating beautiful deaths for others. Clover’s final promise carries extra weight, as she has been depicted throughout the novel as someone who possesses strong integrity.

“Grief, I’d come to realize, was like dust. When you’re in the thick of a dust storm, you’re completely disoriented by the onslaught, struggling to see or breathe. But as the force recedes, and you slowly find your bearings and see a path forward, the dust begins to settle into the crevices. And it will never disappear completely—as the years pass, you’ll find it in unexpected places at unexpected moments. Grief is just love looking for a place to settle.”

The comparison to a dust storm captures the initial overwhelming and disorienting experience of grief, emphasizing that grief can make it difficult to see and even breathe, mirroring the emotional turmoil of loss. The dust metaphor portrays how grief can envelop one’s life, becoming entwined with one’s experiences and emotions. Like dust, grief never goes away altogether.