The Deal

“I was raped at a party. God, I hate that word. Rape. It’s one of the few words in the English language that has a visceral effect when you hear it. Like a bone-jarring slap to the face or the chill of ice water being dumped over your head. It’s ugly and demoralizing, and I try so hard not to let it control my life. […] I know it wasn’t my fault. I know I didn’t ask for it or do something to invite it. […] Years of therapy helped me see that the burden of blame lies solely on him. There was something wrong with him. Not me. Never me. And the most important lesson I learned is that I’m not a victim—I’m a survivor.”

In this long, passionate diatribe, Hannah reveals the full intensity of her ongoing ruminations about her traumatic experience with sexual assault, and her tone is designed to exude a sense of both raw pain and determined empowerment. While she must still deal with the lingering impacts of her trauma, her steadfast assertion that she is a “survivor” rather than a “victim” hints at her imminent journey toward reclaiming her agency and regaining control over her romantic life.

“And there’s a reason I don’t go to many parties. I guess it’s my version of PTSD. A sound or a smell or a glimpse of something harmless makes the memories spiral to the surface. I hear music blaring and loud chatter and raucous laughter. I smell stale beer and sweat. I’m in a crowd of people. And suddenly I’m fifteen years old again and right back at Melissa Mayer’s party, trapped in my own personal nightmare.”

The visceral descriptions that Hannah provides in this passage demonstrate the enduring effects of trauma, as seemingly benign triggers send her right back to the traumatic event. This passage highlights the ongoing battle with trauma and suggests that recovery is not linear, especially when seemingly ordinary experiences can suddenly become overwhelming reminders of past pain.

“I mean every word, because I really do hate that she has to babysit me every time we go out. It’s not fair to her. And after two years at Briar, I know it’s time for me to lower my guard, at least a little bit.”

Hannah’s guilt-ridden reflections on her friendship with Allie show her awareness of the burden that her trauma places on others, particularly in social situations. However, her tone indicates that she has yet to loosen up enough to be kind to herself, as her worries about inhibiting her friend indicate her own internalized shame over the aspects of her trauma that she has yet to excise from her day-to-day experiences. However, her desire to lower her guard indicates a willingness to take crucial steps to intensify her healing journey.

“And here’s a confession: I hate my father. No, I despise him. The irony is, the bastard thinks everything I’ve done has been for him. The intense training, the full-body bruises, killing myself twenty hours a week in order to better my game. He’s arrogant enough to believe that I put myself through all that for him. But he’s wrong. I do it for me. And to a lesser extent, I do it to beat him. To be better than him. Don’t get me wrong—I love the game. I live for the roar of the crowd, the crisp air chilling my face as I hurtle down the ice, the hiss of the puck as I release a slap shot that lights the lamp. Hockey is adrenaline. It’s excitement. It’s…soothing, even.”

The passionate emotions in this passage aptly capture Garrett’s inner conflicts. He clearly harbors a deep-seated resentment toward his father’s narcissistic tendency to believe that Garrett’s pursuit of hockey is an extension of his own career. However, his subsequent description of his best moments on the ice also reveals an equally deep-seated love of the game itself. Yet even this sense of pleasure is problematic; while hockey offers him a sense of personal fulfillment, it’s also tinged with the bitterness of familial expectations and of his father’s physical abuse when he failed to meet them.

“Though honestly? Sometimes I don’t feel half as cool as people think I am […]. It’s like that pond I skated on when I was a kid—from a distance, the ice looked so shiny and smooth, until you got close enough to it, and suddenly all the uneven edges and crisscrossed skate marks became visible. That’s me, I guess. Covered with skate marks that nobody ever seems to notice.”

This introspective passage from Garrett’s point of view provides a rare glimpse behind the overconfident persona that he shows to everyone. His simile about a deceptively smooth patch of ice that is “covered with skate marks that nobody ever seems to notice” indicates his frustration over his own façade, and it is clear that he deeply longs for a meaningful connection even though he claims to have no desire for romantic relationships. The imagery of the marred ice also suggests his fear that people would never be able to fully perceive or understand the hidden scars that he carries beneath his confident persona.

“For a split second, I almost tell her to forget it. It seems…wrong that this girl cares what a douche like Kohl thinks about her. Hannah’s intelligence and razor-sharp tongue is wasted on a guy like that. But then I think of my team, and all the guys that are counting on me, and I force myself to ignore my misgivings.”

This passage hints at the growing attraction that Garrett feels for Hannah, and his intensifying disapproval of Justin as a partner for Hannah takes on a protective tone. Yet even in the midst of his new interest in Hannah, his regard for how his actions affect his team remains at the forefront of his thoughts, and his inner conflict reveals his focus on doing right by his chosen community at any cost. These issues also hint at the tension to come as his deal with Hannah escalates.

“I keep wondering what my old therapist would think if she knew about the deal I’d struck with Garrett. I want to say she’d be against it, but Carole was all about empowerment. She always encouraged me to take control of my life and grab hold of any opportunity that allows me to put the attack behind me. So here’s what I know: I’ve dated two guys since the rape. I slept with both of them. And neither of them made me feel as hot and achy as Justin Kohl does with one heavy-lidded look. Carole would tell me that’s an opportunity worth exploring.”

Hannah’s thoughts in this passage reflect The Importance of Reclaiming Confidence and Personal Power. While her deal with Garrett and her interest in Justin are not necessarily solutions that her therapist might have recommended, Hannah chooses to embrace this new social adventure in order to take the initiative in her romantic life and make new strides toward overcoming the barriers that she has erected against the world since enduring such a traumatic experience.

“As I make my way to the box, I can feel his eyes on me. I don’t seek him out, but I know what I’ll find if I do. My father, hunkered down in his usual seat at the top of the bleachers, his Rangers cap pulled low over his eyes, his lips set in a tight line. […] [E]ven if we’d been playing hours away […] during the snowstorm of the century, he’d still be there. My old man never misses a game. Phil Graham, hockey legend and proud father. Yeah fucking right. I know damn well he doesn’t come to the games to watch his son play. He comes to watch an extension of himself play.”

The bitter frustration of Garrett’s tone in this passage reveals his deep anger at Phil and offers a glimpse of his complex relationship with his father. While Phil’s presence at the games may appear supportive to external observers, Garrett sees it as an act of self-interest, as he knows that Phil’s diligent attendance at the games is a way for him to stroke his own ego. This ongoing dynamic fuels Garrett’s anger and isolation, highlighting the tension between his love for the game and the suffocating pressure that he feels to live up to his father’s expectations despite the fact that he no longer really cares what his father thinks of him.

“It’s the same old routine. If we win, I get a nod. If we lose, I get nothing. When I was younger, he would at least put on a fatherly show of support after a loss, a bullshit smile of encouragement or a consolatory pat on the back if anyone happened to be looking at us. But the moment we were alone, the proverbial gloves would come off.”

This passage underscores the emotional neglect that Garrett has experienced from his father, illustrating a relationship that is built on superficial validation rather than genuine support. His father’s conditional acknowledgment—only when things go well—fosters a sense of inadequacy in Garrett. The contrast between the public display of “fatherly support” and Phil’s private cruelty and abuse reveals the toxic dynamic at play.

“Yeah, no reason for me to do that at all. Except for my parents. You know, the people who raised me, who love me unconditionally, who stood by me through the most horrific experience of my life. And who are now stuck in a place where everyone despises them…because of me.”

Hannah grapples with her overwhelming guilt over the impact that her trauma has had on her parents. While they have always expressed unconditional love and support, she feels responsible for the social fallout that they now endure because of her assault. Hannah’s thoughts in this passage reflect her lingering survivor’s guilt, as the pain of her traumatic experience is compounded by her perception that her loved ones are unfairly burdened by it.

“Understatement of the year. A chill runs up my spine as I recall what happened when we got back to Boston a few days later. What he did to my mother as punishment for ‘shaming’ him, as he’d accused her of doing during his rage. The only saving grace is that Mom died a year later. She wasn’t there to witness it when he turned his rage on me, and I’m grateful for that every day of my life.”

Garrett’s matter-of-fact description of the abuse that his mother endured takes on a stark, angry tone, and it is also clear that he loved his mother as powerfully as he despised his father. When he feels compelled to describe his mother’s death as a “saving grace” because she could no longer be affected by Phil’s abuse, this wording reveals the deeply painful and traumatic dynamics that have persisted within his family.

“I should be doing internal cartwheels or something, and yet I can’t shake the apprehension churning in my stomach, the muffled little alarm bells that are telling me to say…no. But that’s crazy. I’ve been obsessing over this guy since school started. I want to go out with him.”

Despite Hannah’s strong attraction to Justin, her unease signals the emotional scars left by her past trauma. Her uncertain thoughts also suggest that maybe Justin isn’t the right person for her, especially if she’s not feeling at ease about the date. Her reference to “muffled little alarm bells” adds to the emotional tension and implies that she is doing her best to ignore her instincts and talk herself into pursuing a course of action that might not be right for her.

“Okay. Well, that was…cheesy. And he didn’t thank the girl at the counter when she handed him his coffee. I don’t know why that bothers me, but it does.”

Hannah’s reaction to Justin’s lack of basic politeness reveals the differences in their values, and the detail also serves as yet another warning that he is not the right person for her to date. This moment subtly reinforces her careful, discerning nature, showing that even in the face of her attraction, she is attuned to small shifts in behavior that may signal deeper flaws or a lack of consideration.

“I wince when he says ‘your friend,’ but luckily, I don’t think he notices. A part of me wishes I never fed him that old ‘this happened to my friend’ excuse, but I can’t bring myself to regret it. Only my closest friends know about what happened to me, and yeah, I might trust Garrett, but I don’t feel comfortable telling him about the rape.”

Hannah’s complicated feelings for Garrett are exemplified in this passage through her internal conflict about whether or not to disclose her past experience with rape. While she doesn’t quite feel comfortable enough to share this with him just yet, she also cringes at the half-truth she gave him, and it is clear that she wishes to develop a greater degree of emotional intimacy with him even if she is not yet ready to do so. This scene also indicates that the two characters are advancing from “just friends” and are developing a more meaningful connection.

“But hell, I’m already competing with Kohl for Hannah’s affections, and […] I’m still not sure what I even want from her. I mean, fine, I want sex. […] But if by some miracle she decides to give it to me, what then? What happens after? […] Girlfriends are a distraction, and I can’t afford any distractions right now […] There aren’t many things my father and I agree on, but when it comes to focus and ambition, we happen to be on the same page. I will go pro after I graduate. Until then, I need to concentrate on keeping my grades up […] Failure is not an option.”

In this passage, Garrett is struggling to define his feelings for Hannah. He has never developed strong feelings for another person before and is not sure what this means for his current goals—which have always been to focus primarily on hockey. The erratic shifts in his diction combine with the rhetorical questions to deliver an overall sense of frustration, even as he attempts to reassert his focus on his career goals to the exclusion of all “distractions.”

“You can say a lot of things about Garrett Graham, but he’s definitely a man of his word. He’s been glued to my side all night, guarding my drinks, waiting outside the bathroom for me, making sure I don’t get harassed by his friends or the locals we’ve met. He’s totally had my back, and because of him, I was able to lower my guard for the first time in a very long time.”

Hannah’s reflection on Garrett’s protective actions reveals a significant moment of trust and emotional vulnerability between them. With Garrett, Hannah allows herself to feel safe in a situation where she would typically remain on guard, and she makes considerable progress in overcoming The Impact of Trauma on Daily Life.

“What chance do Justin and I possibly have? Even if we go out, even if we get close enough to be intimate, what happens when we have sex? What if all the issues I had with Devon sprout up again, like some annoying rash you can’t get rid of? What if […] I can never, ever have a normal sex life like a normal frickin’ woman? I blink rapidly to try to stop the flow of tears. I refuse to cry in public. I refuse to.”

Hannah’s cascade of rhetorical questions dramatizes her internal struggle and reveals her deep-seated fear of sexual intimacy due to her traumatic past. She views her trauma as a persistent, uncontrollable burden that impacts her ability to form meaningful, long-term romantic relationships, and she instinctively condemns herself as something other than “normal.”

“Why did I ever think I could be a normal college student? I’m not normal. I’m broken. I keep telling myself that the rape didn’t destroy me, but it did. A piece of shit didn’t just steal my virginity—he stole my ability to have sex and feel pleasure like a healthy, red-blooded woman. So how the hell can I ever have a real relationship?”

Hannah’s internal dialogue reveals her belief that her experiences have fundamentally altered her ability to experience intimacy in a healthy way. This breakdown is the catalyst in promoting Hannah’s next steps toward healing, which includes convincing the one man she trusts—Garrett—to become intimate with her in a controlled environment.

“I have never told anyone about this before. […] Anything related to my father, I keep to myself. Because the sad truth is, too many people out there would be tempted to sell the story to make a few bucks. It’s not that I don’t trust my friends, […] but when you’ve already been disappointed by the one person you’re supposed to trust most […] you’re not exactly keen on giving people any kind of ammunition over you. But I trust Hannah. […] [A]s my confession hangs in the air, it’s like a load has been lifted off my chest.”

By sharing the details of father’s abuse with Hannah when he hasn’t even been able to do so with his teammates, Garrett illustrates the deep connection that they have fostered over the course of the novel. Their mutual trust therefore becomes the driving force behind their parallel healing journeys.

“I bite my lip as I debate what to do. I haven’t thought about Justin all week, but that doesn’t trump the fact that I’ve been thinking about him all semester. Something drew me to him in the first place, and I can’t just ignore that. Besides, I don’t even know what’s happening between me and Garrett. […] I have a type when it comes to guys. Quiet, serious, moody. Creative, if I’m lucky. […] Unafraid to show his emotions. Someone who makes me feel…at peace. Garrett has some of those qualities, but not all of them. And I’m not sure peaceful is the accurate word to describe how I feel when I’m with him. […] [I]t’s like my whole body is wired with electricity.”

Hannah’s internal debate reveals her confusion and uncertainty about her feelings for both Justin and Garrett. While she is drawn to Garrett’s intensity, her description of him contrasts with her typical “type,” and it is clear that she is actively trying to dissuade herself from dating him because the “electricity” that she feels around Garrett threatens her need to avoid true vulnerability. She is attracted to Garrett’s passion but cannot decide if that passion aligns with what she ultimately seeks in a relationship.

“But he’s wrong. Hell, I was wrong, too. I thought having a girlfriend would distract me from my goals and split my focus, but it hasn’t. I love being with Hannah, but I haven’t lost sight of hockey either. […] This last month has shown me that I can […] give both of them the attention they deserve.”

Initially, Garrett feared that a relationship would detract from his dedication to hockey, but in this moment, he rejects his father’s arbitrary restrictions and realizes that he can balance both pursuits without sacrificing either one. His newfound clarity indicates his own internal growth, as he is learning that a fulfilling personal relationship doesn’t have to come at the expense of his goals.

“My heart damn near explodes as those three sweet words hang between us. Other girls have said that to me before, but this time it’s different. Because it’s Hannah saying it, and she’s not just any girl. And because I know that when she says she loves me, she actually means me—Garrett—and not Briar’s hockey star, or Mr. Popularity, or Phil Graham’s son. She loves me.”

Garrett’s use of repetition creates a sense of his incredulous and emotional reaction to Hannah’s confession of love, and as he struggles to internalize this development, her admission represents a significant moment in his life. Unlike past relationships in which Garrett’s identity was overshadowed by external factors like his fame or his father’s legacy, he knows that Hannah’s love is rooted in who he truly is. This realization shows how deeply he values her genuine affection.

“Ergo—she’s fucking avoiding me. I don’t need to be a Mensa member to know that it’s because of the way I went after Delaney. That’s the only reason I can think of for why she might be upset with me, and I’m not sure I blame her. I shouldn’t have hit the guy. Especially not in the arena in front of hundreds of witnesses. But the thought that she might be…I don’t know…scared of me now…It kills me.”

Not realizing that Phil’s meddling is the reason for Hannah’s silence, Garrett spirals into a fear-driven monologue that reveals his ongoing struggle never to become like his abusive father. His thoughts also reveal his deep concern about how his recent protective outburst on her behalf might have affected Hannah’s attitude toward him. Garrett worries that despite Hannah’s claims, his violence against Rob Delaney might have scared her away by revealing an unlikeable side of him that is perhaps more like his father than she thought. His worry is borne of his own deep-rooted insecurities due to Phil’s physical abuse.