The Impossible Knife of Memory

Hayley explains that “zombies” and “freaks” are the only kinds of people in the world. She says that “everyone is born a freak” (3); a freak “wants to have a good time and make the world a better place” (3). Kids can remain freaks with a loving family, but in high school they turn into zombies. Instead of writing her assigned sentences, Hayley writes, “Correcting a teacher’s mistake is not a sign of disrespect” (4).

Hayley misses the bus and has to walk the four miles home. She passes through a rundown neighborhood. She sees two stoned men and feels threatened. She walks by them with forced confidence. She assesses the situation and decides she will let them take her backpack and either run or wave down the bus. She also sees a whiskey bottle on the ground and thinks about how she could break it into a weapon as her “last defensive option” (7). She nods at one of the stoned men, and he nods back; she passes by safely. She walks through more neighborhoods until she gets to “the house that [she] was supposed to call ‘home’” (8).

Andy, Hayley’s dad, is sad that she does not remember the house. She says that there is a difference between forgetting and not remembering. Her dad has been suffering increasingly bad attacks because of his experiences in war. Hayley agreed to move into the house and go to a high school in hopes that he would improve. They used to drive around in his truck, and Hayley is “terrified” (9) of their new life.

She enters the house, where her dad has been all day. He is in his room with the door closed. He says that “it’s been a bad day” (11). She asks if he tried to go to work, and he promises to try tomorrow.

This chapter is told from Andy’s point of view. A personified Death is dealing cards to Andy and his soldier friends. He and his friends laugh while guns fire in the background. Death is familiar to Andy, and Andy thinks about Hayley. He and his men know they will be shot eventually and “have never been so alive” (12).

Hayley has lunch for first period. She sits with her friend Gracie and Gracie’s boyfriend Topher. Gracie wants to study, but Hayley wants to sleep. She purposely gives Gracie wrong answers as a joke. Topher’s friend, Finn, comes to the table and tells Gracie that Hayley’s answers are wrong. He asks Hayley about her blue hair and offers her a coffee. Gracie reveals she told Finn that Hayley would help him with the school newspaper. Finn asks her to write an article called “World of Resources at the Library” (17), but she refuses. When Gracie observes that Hayley and Finn are similar, Finn makes a joke that Hayley was also thinking. The TV screen in the cafeteria includes Hayley in the list of people who need to go to the main office.

Hayley passes her classmates in the hallway and thinks they are “fully assimilated zombies” (19). However, she admits that when she walks through the hall alone, she is a “pile of self-conscious self-loathing” (19). Everyone else seems happier than her, but she suspects that they are all pretending, that they actually do things like shoplift and take pills.

Hayley goes to the office of her guidance counselor, Ms. Benedetti, who says that Hayley still needs to do her community service at St. Anthony’s Nursing Home. Mr. Cleveland, Hayley’s precalculus teacher, also wants her to get a tutor. Ms. Benedetti says she cannot reach Hayley’s dad; she called his work but was told he does not work there anymore. She mentions talking to Hayley’s stepmom, Trish, but Hayley insists that she does not have one, though Trish was her dad’s girlfriend and took care of her while her dad was deployed. Hayley calls Trish “a scum-sucking idiot” (25) who left them. After she left, Hayley and Andy traveled around in an 18-wheeler truck, only ever staying a month or two in different towns. Ms. Benedetti gives Hayley a letter sent from Trish.

Hayley goes to the school library looking for a book to stop her “brain from imploding” (28). She sees a table with snacks and disturbing pictures. The girl at the table tells Hayley that it is for a club called One World, which raises money for countries with genocide and war. She notes that most people are not bothered by the graphic pictures because they “don’t really look at them” (29).

Hayley goes to English class, still feeling anxious after learning Trish knows she is in town. Her classmate Brandon is in her seat in the back, where she feels safe. She argues with him, and the teacher makes him move. While the class learns about The Odyssey, Hayley thinks about Trish’s letter. She has flashbacks about Trish. She worries Trish has contacted her dad and decides she needs to go home.

Hayley asks Finn for a ride home, saying her dad is sick. When Finn says he will when school is over, Hayley quickly walks away. Finn runs behind her, calling her “Miss Blue.” He agrees to drive her and tells her to put on her sweatshirt because she’s shaking.

Hayley tries to calm down using tricks her dad taught her. She asks Finn to drive faster and to go through a red light. Finn asks what’s wrong, but Hayley says she is okay. She feels threatened by a cop car behind them and gets out of the car. She thanks Finn and says she will write the article.

At home, Hayley finds her dad working under his pickup truck. He tells her she should be at school, and she tells him he should be at work. She recounts her conversation with Ms. Benedetti, noting that Ms. Benedetti knows he quit his job. Andy will not say if he quit or was fired. Hayley does not want to tell him about Trish. Andy says he will call Ms. Benedetti the next day, and Hayley asks him to lie about why she left school early. He says he will but stresses that she needs to stay in school and cannot do online classes. He does not want her to be his babysitter.

Gracie texts Hayley, saying Finn wants her phone number. Hayley does not want him to have it. She tries to find information about Trish on the internet but cannot find much besides a drunk driving arrest. Gracie texts her more about Finn, saying that he has a swimmer’s body and that a lot of girls like him. Hayley cuts up Trish’s letter without reading it and sets it on fire in the bathroom.

Hayley is unprepared for a math test, and her “answers [are] drawings of armored unicorns” (49). Finn jokes with her in the hallway and asks for the article she promised. Hayley realizes that this is why he wanted her phone number the night before.

In English, Hayley’s seat in the back is occupied by a different student so she sits by the window. Her teacher shows a picture of Odysseus and a picture of Mother Teresa. She asks, “Which one is the hero? [...] And why?” (53). Hayley sleeps.

After class, Finn finds Hayley to ask if she has written the article. Hayley says she is not going to do it. Undeterred, Finn asks about her dad and says the article needs to be 200 words. Hayley shouts “no,” but Finn explains that he needs the article or else the newspaper may get cut from the budget. Hayley says he should write it, but Finn dismisses the idea, as he only edits and writes sports articles. Hayley says that Mr. Cleveland, the supervisor and her precalc teacher, would not allow it anyway because “he hates [her]. Loathes [her]” (55). Regardless, Finn shares his email address and tells her to write it.

During gym class, Hayley asks Gracie why Finn will not leave her alone. Gracie encourages Hayley to write for the newspaper so she will hate school less. Hayley replies that she has “more important things to do” (58).

Upon arriving home, Andy is sleeping in his room. Hayley sees that his gun-cleaning supplies are out, but she does not see any of his guns. She observes, “The house was looking more and more like a place that squatters lived in, instead of what it was: a home that had been in Dad’s family for three generations” (59). She wonders why her dad was cleaning his guns. She cleans up his mess, disturbed by the smell of gunpowder and by his behavior. She thinks the other kids at school are lucky they do not have to deal with situations like this.

This chapter revisits Andy’s point of view. He remembers driving in a truck while deployed. His fellow soldier Mariah tells him about her young son who loves to dance. A bombs goes off in the street and sends them flying. Mariah is blown apart and killed. Andy thinks about how now “her son dances, waiting” (61) for her.

Hayley oversleeps and misses the bus. She decides to stay home, but Finn rings her doorbell. She tells him to leave, lying about being sick and saying he will wake up her dad. Finn says he already saw Andy leave in his truck. Hayley wonders why her dad left and, “more important, what kind of mood would he be in” (64). She does not want to stay home to find out.

Hayley gets into Finn’s car and makes fun of its poor condition and the amount of cologne he is wearing. She admits to herself that he is “a little hot” (66). She feels “gawkward” (66) and worries she smells bad. When something does not smell right, she checks his car engine and tells him to fix his oil. He asks about the article, which angers Hayley. He says she promised, and she asks, “Why are you such a pain in my butt? You don’t even know me” (69). He bargains with her, saying he will do her math homework if she writes it.

Hayley writes the article, using fake names and satirical information about the library. Despite herself, she has fun writing the article. Meanwhile, Finn does her math homework. She feels “kind of, a little…happy” (71), and all her classes that day go well.

That night, Andy returns home drunk. At school the next morning, Mr. Cleveland yells at her for cheating on her math homework. He assigns Finn to be her tutor. When she refuses, Mr. Cleveland says he will talk to her dad about dropping her to a different math class. However, he will not contact her dad if she goes to tutoring, improves her grades, and writes more for the newspaper.

Finn tutors Hayley in the library. After an hour, he asks her to write an article about the school’s football game that night. He says he cannot write it because he has a date. He will pay her $15 to write it. As he leaves to get ready for his date, Hayley tells him, “you should keep your pants zipped. And your belt buckled” (80).