The Light We Carry: Overcoming in Uncertain Times

Obama reflects on how her daughters have matured into adulthood and learned how to care for themselves. She characterizes maturing as a long, “experimental” process in which people “learn and practice” and “puzzle out our identities” (154). One crucial aspect of maturing is maintaining healthy love relationships, an area that Obama says others often ask her for advice about. She notes that giving advice on such a varied and personal topic is difficult and that, like any other aspect of our lives, we must practice and learn about relationships through experience. Obama reflects on how her marriage didn’t unfold as she expected and admits she had a romanticized notion of relationships before her marriage. She feels that her relationship isn’t perfect but that her husband is her “home.” Her parents had a stable and committed relationship, which Obama has admired more and more as she has gotten older.

Obama relates a story about a friend of hers who maintained a superficial relationship with a noncommittal man for more than a year before realizing that she was concealing her real interest in a long-term relationship to keep the relationship “easy” and “casual.” Obama argues that this approach inhibits bonding, which requires vulnerability and communication, and that people who maintain casual connections are less able to “share real feelings and real vulnerability” (170). According to Obama, this makes building a lasting relationship with a life partner more difficult. She reflects on her husband’s straightforward approach to dating; she appreciated how he pursued her in a very frank and honest way.

Obama remembers the early phase of their dating relationship, which soon became a long-distance connection as he continued law school on the East Coast and Obama worked in Chicago. When she met Barack’s family, on a trip to Hawaii when she was 25, she realized how his family had influenced his personality. She observed how direct and demonstrative the family was with their affection for each other. In contrast, in her family, “consistency was love” (178), as the family would spend Sundays together. Over time, Barack’s personality clashed with hers in some ways because he’s more independent and introverted, while she’s more social and busy. Their approach to conflict resolution also differs: Barack favors quick problem-solving, while Michelle needs time to think and process. She acknowledges that many of their differences are rooted in how they were raised and explains that only patience and communication help them compromise and maintain a good relationship.

Witnessing Barack’s dedication to his family on their first trip together later helped her understand that, even when he spent a lot of time away, he always prioritized their family. She fondly recalls their first trip and how observing Barack’s family dynamic helped her understand him better as a partner.

Obama’s mother, Marian Robinson, became well-known once Barack was elected president and she moved into the White House with their family. Obama appreciates her mother’s steady personality and praises her “mild-mannered, unflappable demeanor” (188). Robinson wasn’t interested in living at the White House, but Obama begged her to because she knew that her mother would have a positive effect on the family. Robinson didn’t like the formality of the White House but agreed to live there to be close to her grandchildren. Even while living at the White House, Robinson remained independent and often cherished her alone time in favor of meeting high-profile guests. Obama is grateful that her mother was the family’s anchor during that period of pressure and scrutiny.

Obama reflects on how mothering her teenage children made her feel particularly anxious and guilty because each incident of conflict or disobedience made Obama concerned that she and her husband were creating a dysfunctional childhood by raising them in the White House. She claims that all mothers experience societal pressure to achieve “maternal perfection” and that women often feel guilty when they fall short of this “fantasy version” of motherhood (193). She admits that even though her children are now adults, she often worries about them and that talking to her own mother helps relieve her anxiety. Obama notes that she thinks her own mother should write a book of parenting advice and then passes along her mother’s “pearls of wisdom” (196). The first is to help your kids learn to wake themselves up every day so that they can become more independent. Similarly, she advises that parents teach their children self-sufficiency as much as possible. For example, Michelle and her brother washed their own dishes, did their own laundry, and walked home from school as soon as they were able. Obama is grateful that her mother helped her learn how to understand her own emotional reactions and wasn’t overbearing about how to solve problems. The next piece of advice is to prioritize kids’ ability to express and enjoy themselves and learn from grown-ups through genuine interactions.

The next point is to parent the children you have and recognize that they bring their own agency and personality to the family dynamic. Obama shares a story about losing her patience with her children and how differently they reacted; one sought reassurance and validation, while the other withdrew. She observes that her children have inherently different personalities: One daughter is more thorough and cautious, the other more confident and independent. Obama’s fifth piece of parenting advice from her mother is to build a positive concept of home by making sure that children feel seen and appreciated there. Obama remembers that throughout her childhood her mother often repeated the reassuring message, “We will always like you here” (213), especially when Obama felt unwelcome in other places. She concludes the chapter by sharing that once her husband’s time in office was over, her mother happily moved out of the White House and back to her old home in Chicago.